Defeat - And Absolutely No Optimism...

I have a fanfiction.net username. A main reason why I created this account was to finally convey my "awesome" ideas to the public. And I got my first review for my first chapter. The person accused my character of being a "Molly Sue". I was only trying to be descriptive. I guess I should've listened my fellow classmates in Honors English to not be too descriptive. I should actually listen to other people if they provide constructive critism, which these classmates did. But I did not heed their warning. It's just that I wanted everyone to see every detail, but I guess I tried too hard.

Without writing, I have no talent except logic and I don't even have much of that! I can't convey my ideas - I don't even have any original ideas. I'm not creative. I take all these classes to become a better artist - in all senses. Honors English, Art Foundations, Choir, but they make me sound like everyone else. And I usually go into these classes thinking I'm great at something, but then I see the person next to me and their artwork is so much better! Either or, if mine is great, I show it to the teacher, and people think I'm a show-off! And then, when I leave the class, I think I am awesome; that is, until I see the person next to me, who somehow, some way, seems to know much more than me. It's like, everyone seems to have more experience than me and I don't know how they do it.

With no talents, I'll never be known to the world. I'll never prove those people who teased me wrong. I won't live a better life than them. They'll never learn their lesson, as I will never learn mine. I'll just keep trying to be in the spotlight, with hopes that someone will finally know who I am, but I just keep getting burned.

There's another issue I have to address. When I'm "showing off" (which sometimes, I do), I think, "Well, the person next to me will not know this". Such a bitchy thought! I feel so fake when I know something, because of that stupid thought! I feel like that one girl, Melrose, on the 6th cycle of ANTM, who's trying so hard to impress the judges, but was kicked off for being fake, and trying too hard. It's probably the fact that I want to be known, so I'm actually trying out for stuff. That was my New Year's resolution, by the way. To actually finally get my ideas known. But I just keep getting rejected.

And I'm so jealous! Especially of the people with worse lives than me (in my classes). I know, weird logic. But they have real emotion, because they've actually felt before. I mean, I'm not saying I want to lose anyone I love, but I want to feel real emotion. There's this line in one of my favorite songs that describes what I'm saying and what I "feel": "I may be a machine, but I still have dreams". That's from One Day, Robots Will Cry by Cobra Starship. And the explains a lot for me.

Right now, as I'm typing this, I feel like a spoiled, self-pitying, ungrateful bitch. But I had to write all that stuff. It's not like anyone but two people are reading this. And they probably have the advice, but not the right advice. But, it'll be comforting to read my only readers comment. Yeah.

Oh, I forgot to mention, today is Eastern Orthodox Christmas! Merry Christmas! And at least one good thing happened today. I was in line for lunch, and I had $.65 in the hole. I'd have to go in some special line and wait even longer. As I was saying "I don't have 65 cents," the girl behind me said she could pay for my lunch. I was shocked. I said,"Are you sure?" and she said,"Yeah." And then I said,"Oh my God! Thank you!" and walked with my lunch with a little bit of joy in my heart. I guess there are people like that after all.

Well, even if my title says there's no optimism, there is some, I guess. Well, I'm tired, so I'm gonna lie down. Merry Christmas and Good Night!